Fresh Start...again

The night before my divorce was finalized (in December 2010), I had a coffee date with a guy that I hadn't seen in 10 years. All in all, it was great, even though my ex showed up with my son. The guy and I had a lot in common and started dating. It was one of those "all or nothing" decisions for me. I knew it couldn't be casual. He was different. Better. And we clicked. Against my better judgment, I let myself fall in love. In less than a few weeks, I was smitten. He'd never been married, no kids, but a crazy work schedule. I could deal with that, besides, I come with loads of baggage. The whole time in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "He's too good for me. He's got his life figured out, knows what he wants, doesn't have debt, doesn't party, doesn't drink or smoke. He's too good for me." While, I don't drink, smoke or party, I do have a hectic life. And issues. He has strong, unwavering opinions and a general mistrust of everybody. I, on the other hand, give my trust until it's broken. I accepted and loved him for who he is, not who I think he should be. I think at the end of the day, that's what most people want. To be accepted for who they are, with their flaws and mistakes and not feel judged. I don't regret falling in love and giving myself completely. It's just something to learn from.

I'm baaaaaack

It's been over a year since I've posted anything. I originally started this blog as a way to help get over my husband leaving me and it did. I just read those old posts and it's amazing to see how far I've come since then. I'm still technically married but hope to have everything finalized by the end of this month. And guess what? I'm the one that filed for divorce. Very liberating! So much has changed since the last time I posted anything. So here's a brief recap:

• The ex moved 12 hours away for several months, but unfortunately moved back.
• I am both mother and father to my amazing son and he's starting to see that my ex, AKA baby daddy, isn't so great at keeping his word, but that I'll always be there.
• I rediscovered my youth (by finding out that I can still have fun and turn a few heads).
• I took a few trips to the beach by myself and it was soooo relaxing.
• I got a promotion and now manage 20 people - which is sometimes like being a kindergarten teacher.
• "Stand up guy" and I were able to be friends until he and his girlfriend broke up and that's when things got fuzzy again. It should come as no surprise that he "broke up" with me via text messages. Funny since we weren't dating.

Ahhhh, gotta be able to laugh at crap like that.

What is the point of standing somebody up?

I finally decided that I was absolutely ready to move on and contacted an old friend through a social networking site that I hadn't talked to in years. I started with just friendly chat through the private message feature and he started with mild flirting. After a few days he asked me to come see him (he lives over an hour away). Given my circumstances, going there makes more sense than him coming here.

We made plans this past Wednesday to get together on Saturday. By Friday he had upped the flirting big time and asked me more than once if he'd still be seeing me Saturday. The big day finally came and I called to let him know I was running late since my son was supposed to be going to his cousin's and they weren't home yet. He was fine with that and when I asked for directions on how to get to his cabin on the lake, he said that it would be better if I just called when I got to the town close to him so he could talk me through how to get there.
When I got to that town and called him, my calls went directly to voicemail. After giving him the benefit of the doubt a lot longer than I should have, I gave up, went for a drive and got back home four hours after I originally left the house.

Low and behold, he finally answered his phone. All he had to say for himself was that he was sorry. When I told him I ended up going for a drive, he asked where. Why would it matter to him?

But I told him where I had gone and that a girlfriend recommended I go to a particular bar & grill restaurant where I was sure to be hit on. I told the scumbag this and that I went but turned right back around and left since I'm not ready to be hit on by random guys. His reply was that it was best I didn't since my soon to be ex-husband might be having me watched and that my divorce could get ugly and cell phone records could be subpoened (he's already been through a bad divorce).

What he doesn't know is that earlier in the day, my soon to be ex and I agreed to file for a simple uncontested divorce. I gave him my blessing to go run around with the tramp he's been seeing ever since he left. The scumbag would have known all of this if he hadn't stood me up.

And it gets worse. After having the nerve to stand me up, he "unfriended" me on the social networking site. What a slap in the face! Today, he called and didn't say anything. He just sat there for a few seconds before hanging up. What was the point?

Did he get cold feet Saturday? Did he think I may end up back with my soon to be ex? Or is he just an ass?

In all the years I've known him, I never would have expected this from him. He knows what I've been through, so why add to it?

I really can't see the point in standing someone up. If you've changed your mind and can't come right out and say it, at least come up with a lame excuse and let everything just fizzle out.

Moving On?

It has been seven weeks since my husband left. He is so up and down. One minute he wants to have divorce papers signed and the next he talks like he wants to come back. Actually, he did want to come back to help with daycare costs since he wasn't working and had no problem spending my money. I didn't encourage him to come back.

Several things factored into my not encouraging him.
1. He has had some type of relationship with another woman that he is still denying.
2. Because he has had whatever it was with that woman, he won't let himself believe that I have never over the last ten years cheated on him. I haven't.
3. Because he doesn't believe I've been faithful, we would end up having all night discussions/arguments about it (despite the fact that I get up early in the mornings to get ready for work and take our son to school). I'm tired of the all-nighters.
4. If he comes back, it should be because he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Not to save money.
5. He is a big time momma's boy now and I can hear her in the background commenting on what we're talking about every time we're on the phone.

All of that being said, I'm actually starting to notice other men as being attractive. Before this, the only men I acknowledged as being attractive to me were my husband, Ryan Reynolds, Matthew McConaughey and Mel Gibson (before he got a mistress). Yes, the bar was pretty high. But now I'm starting to wonder.

He has said several times that he wants to see other people. My being against the idea didn't stop him. What really makes me mad is that he has the nerve to say I don't love him, even though I'm not the one that left. Again, he must be projecting.

No other woman would put up with what I have and still be willing to look past it and try again. That's what I did....repeatedly.

The idea of moving on has become more appealing. Especially after he said the same line to me as he did in an email to the woman "who isn't his girlfriend." He "hopes our paths will cross again so that we can be together." Oh, please! We have a child. Of course our paths cross. Moron!

I used to want to put my marriage back together, but now I'm not so sure. I expected him to be there for me like I was for him and to push past the difficult times, but he left instead. I would love to have the man I first married back. Not the man he is now. Before people start judging me for that, let me provide a little more detail.

Even when we were dating, he was always a bit jealous, but not to the extent that it was a problem. As time wore on, he used everything I told him about myself against me (ie. past relationships/flings). He then started taking what I would tell him and twist it around into something it wasn't.
Example: While we were engaged, a customer saw me and called me at work after he left to ask me out. He said that he had been talking with a VP upstairs and the VP didn't know if I was single or not, so the customer asked me out. I told him no thanks and that I was in a serious relationship. After hanging up with him, I called the VP and very nicely let him know the same thing for future reference. In the full disclosure nature of our relationship, I told my hubby about the whole thing when I got home that day. He twisted it around in his head more to the tune of I called the VP to get the customer's phone number. What?! No, if I wanted the guy's number, I could have looked it up on my work computer's database and not told my hubby anything about the guy asking me out. This is just one of many things he twisted.

After a while, I stopped talking about my day. The less I said, the less he could twist. Then of course he felt like I "must have been hiding something." No, I just got tired of his insinuations. I stopped talking to friends and eventually lost contact with all of them. I also stopped smiling at people so that I couldn't be accused of flirting.

All of this and I still didn't mind if he went out partying with his friends. He wouldn't get home until 5:00 am sometimes, but I always believed that he was faithful. He would always say, "Well, you were invited." I wouldn't have felt like a responsible parent if I had to find someone to watch my kid while I went out partying and clubbing. Besides, I've never really enjoyed those types of things. I was always more of a stay at home on the weekends kind of person. I've always been content with just doing family stuff. He, however, was always itching to be going somewhere.

And then there's his complaint that I don't look at him like I love him. It's hard to look at him like I adore him when I have so much resentment built up. I resent the fact that when our son was a baby, he hardly ever changed a diaper, never gave him a bath, didn't help with feedings and NEVER got up during the night with the baby. He also complained about my not cleaning the house enough, but never went out of his way to help. And when I did clean, he would immediately make a mess. Let's not forget that when I went back to college I was also working full time and taking care of our son who was around two at the time. Instead of helping me, he would rush me off of the computer and away from my school work so that he could do his online gaming (Everquest, Dark Ages of Camelot, etc.). Or he would hurry me up so that I could make dinner. Heaven forbid he go do it. But I didn't hold this against him when he went back to college. I helped him study, did all of his financial aid paperwork, ordered his books and did most of his homework. Why couldn't I look at him with those adoring, lovestruck eyes? For the life of me, I just can't figure it out.

Oh, and he informed me the other day that he NEEDS me to fill out his financial aid paperwork and register him for the upcoming quarter. Yeah, I'm going to stop everything for that request.

All of this has led me to the big questions: Am I ready to divorce him? Am I ready to move on?

I have no idea.

I have avoided posting for over a week since the tone would have been too depressing. My first weekend alone was nothing special. I actually stayed in my pajamas all day that Saturday - I know, it was bad.

I'm hoping that my husband will get a job working every other weekend so that he won't be able to get our son every weekend. Don't judge me, I work all week and the weekends are when my son and I get to relax and go at a slower pace.

Really, I'd love it if my husband found any job. He quit his job a month ago and for some reason I've been paying ALL the bills and still supporting him. Something is wrong with this picture! It didn't grate on my nerves so bad until I saw where he was repeatedly going to a nearby town which just happens to be where an ex-coworker of his lives. Probably still wouldn't have mattered except for the fact that they exchanged love letters by email. Yes, I stooped to the level of checking his email. He swears they're "just friends" since he doesn't know I saw the emails. No wonder he was always jealous and checking my cell phone... he was worried that I was doing whatever he was.

First Weekend Alone in a Decade!

Well for the first time in ten years, I have the weekend to myself since my son has gone to stay with his dad. Let's not start jumping to conclusions, his dad has been "too busy" every weekend for the past five weeks to come get him, but that's fine with me.

Several thoughts on how to spend the weekend came to mind:
1)My husband went out on the town already, so maybe I should (just to be out of the house-not to meet other people).
2) Go to the beach and relax without worrying that my son will be swept out to sea if he's more than ten feet away...yes, a slight bit of exaggeration included.
3) Blog, watch movies that don't include talking animals/cartoon characters and have absolutely no schedule.

Since #1 includes being subjected to double standards, I'll steer clear of that one.

Until I can be comfortable with my son being away for the weekend, I probably won't be taking any three hour trips to the beach.

So it looks like blogging, chick flicks and sleeping in this weekend!

Does Passion Have an Expiration Date?

One of my husband's major complaints before leaving (and even now) was that he knew I loved him, but didn't think I was "in love" with him because I wasn't falling all over him all the time. Hmmm. Could it have been because I was washing dishes, clothes, cooking dinner and taking care of our son all at the same time? Was it possible he forgot that I also worked a full time job before coming home to take on another load of work? Not likely.
I have observed that people tend to see what they want to see and whatever is important to you is usually only important to you. It takes a bit of work to step outside of your own circle of importance to try to see things from somebody else's perspective.
Looking back, I did let a lot of the "little things" get in the way. But that's life. We've been together for over 10 years and married for almost nine years. Does anybody still have passion after 10 years? Or is it natural for it to progress from steamy passion to a comfortable embrace at the end of a long day? I don't even have a desire for passion and I'm not even in my thirties yet. I enjoyed our cuddling on the couch towards the end of our marriage just as much as our wild nights during the first couple of years. But then, what do I know?