Moving On?

It has been seven weeks since my husband left. He is so up and down. One minute he wants to have divorce papers signed and the next he talks like he wants to come back. Actually, he did want to come back to help with daycare costs since he wasn't working and had no problem spending my money. I didn't encourage him to come back.

Several things factored into my not encouraging him.
1. He has had some type of relationship with another woman that he is still denying.
2. Because he has had whatever it was with that woman, he won't let himself believe that I have never over the last ten years cheated on him. I haven't.
3. Because he doesn't believe I've been faithful, we would end up having all night discussions/arguments about it (despite the fact that I get up early in the mornings to get ready for work and take our son to school). I'm tired of the all-nighters.
4. If he comes back, it should be because he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Not to save money.
5. He is a big time momma's boy now and I can hear her in the background commenting on what we're talking about every time we're on the phone.

All of that being said, I'm actually starting to notice other men as being attractive. Before this, the only men I acknowledged as being attractive to me were my husband, Ryan Reynolds, Matthew McConaughey and Mel Gibson (before he got a mistress). Yes, the bar was pretty high. But now I'm starting to wonder.

He has said several times that he wants to see other people. My being against the idea didn't stop him. What really makes me mad is that he has the nerve to say I don't love him, even though I'm not the one that left. Again, he must be projecting.

No other woman would put up with what I have and still be willing to look past it and try again. That's what I did....repeatedly.

The idea of moving on has become more appealing. Especially after he said the same line to me as he did in an email to the woman "who isn't his girlfriend." He "hopes our paths will cross again so that we can be together." Oh, please! We have a child. Of course our paths cross. Moron!

I used to want to put my marriage back together, but now I'm not so sure. I expected him to be there for me like I was for him and to push past the difficult times, but he left instead. I would love to have the man I first married back. Not the man he is now. Before people start judging me for that, let me provide a little more detail.

Even when we were dating, he was always a bit jealous, but not to the extent that it was a problem. As time wore on, he used everything I told him about myself against me (ie. past relationships/flings). He then started taking what I would tell him and twist it around into something it wasn't.
Example: While we were engaged, a customer saw me and called me at work after he left to ask me out. He said that he had been talking with a VP upstairs and the VP didn't know if I was single or not, so the customer asked me out. I told him no thanks and that I was in a serious relationship. After hanging up with him, I called the VP and very nicely let him know the same thing for future reference. In the full disclosure nature of our relationship, I told my hubby about the whole thing when I got home that day. He twisted it around in his head more to the tune of I called the VP to get the customer's phone number. What?! No, if I wanted the guy's number, I could have looked it up on my work computer's database and not told my hubby anything about the guy asking me out. This is just one of many things he twisted.

After a while, I stopped talking about my day. The less I said, the less he could twist. Then of course he felt like I "must have been hiding something." No, I just got tired of his insinuations. I stopped talking to friends and eventually lost contact with all of them. I also stopped smiling at people so that I couldn't be accused of flirting.

All of this and I still didn't mind if he went out partying with his friends. He wouldn't get home until 5:00 am sometimes, but I always believed that he was faithful. He would always say, "Well, you were invited." I wouldn't have felt like a responsible parent if I had to find someone to watch my kid while I went out partying and clubbing. Besides, I've never really enjoyed those types of things. I was always more of a stay at home on the weekends kind of person. I've always been content with just doing family stuff. He, however, was always itching to be going somewhere.

And then there's his complaint that I don't look at him like I love him. It's hard to look at him like I adore him when I have so much resentment built up. I resent the fact that when our son was a baby, he hardly ever changed a diaper, never gave him a bath, didn't help with feedings and NEVER got up during the night with the baby. He also complained about my not cleaning the house enough, but never went out of his way to help. And when I did clean, he would immediately make a mess. Let's not forget that when I went back to college I was also working full time and taking care of our son who was around two at the time. Instead of helping me, he would rush me off of the computer and away from my school work so that he could do his online gaming (Everquest, Dark Ages of Camelot, etc.). Or he would hurry me up so that I could make dinner. Heaven forbid he go do it. But I didn't hold this against him when he went back to college. I helped him study, did all of his financial aid paperwork, ordered his books and did most of his homework. Why couldn't I look at him with those adoring, lovestruck eyes? For the life of me, I just can't figure it out.

Oh, and he informed me the other day that he NEEDS me to fill out his financial aid paperwork and register him for the upcoming quarter. Yeah, I'm going to stop everything for that request.

All of this has led me to the big questions: Am I ready to divorce him? Am I ready to move on?

I have no idea.