Moving On?

It has been seven weeks since my husband left. He is so up and down. One minute he wants to have divorce papers signed and the next he talks like he wants to come back. Actually, he did want to come back to help with daycare costs since he wasn't working and had no problem spending my money. I didn't encourage him to come back.

Several things factored into my not encouraging him.
1. He has had some type of relationship with another woman that he is still denying.
2. Because he has had whatever it was with that woman, he won't let himself believe that I have never over the last ten years cheated on him. I haven't.
3. Because he doesn't believe I've been faithful, we would end up having all night discussions/arguments about it (despite the fact that I get up early in the mornings to get ready for work and take our son to school). I'm tired of the all-nighters.
4. If he comes back, it should be because he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Not to save money.
5. He is a big time momma's boy now and I can hear her in the background commenting on what we're talking about every time we're on the phone.

All of that being said, I'm actually starting to notice other men as being attractive. Before this, the only men I acknowledged as being attractive to me were my husband, Ryan Reynolds, Matthew McConaughey and Mel Gibson (before he got a mistress). Yes, the bar was pretty high. But now I'm starting to wonder.

He has said several times that he wants to see other people. My being against the idea didn't stop him. What really makes me mad is that he has the nerve to say I don't love him, even though I'm not the one that left. Again, he must be projecting.

No other woman would put up with what I have and still be willing to look past it and try again. That's what I did....repeatedly.

The idea of moving on has become more appealing. Especially after he said the same line to me as he did in an email to the woman "who isn't his girlfriend." He "hopes our paths will cross again so that we can be together." Oh, please! We have a child. Of course our paths cross. Moron!

I used to want to put my marriage back together, but now I'm not so sure. I expected him to be there for me like I was for him and to push past the difficult times, but he left instead. I would love to have the man I first married back. Not the man he is now. Before people start judging me for that, let me provide a little more detail.

Even when we were dating, he was always a bit jealous, but not to the extent that it was a problem. As time wore on, he used everything I told him about myself against me (ie. past relationships/flings). He then started taking what I would tell him and twist it around into something it wasn't.
Example: While we were engaged, a customer saw me and called me at work after he left to ask me out. He said that he had been talking with a VP upstairs and the VP didn't know if I was single or not, so the customer asked me out. I told him no thanks and that I was in a serious relationship. After hanging up with him, I called the VP and very nicely let him know the same thing for future reference. In the full disclosure nature of our relationship, I told my hubby about the whole thing when I got home that day. He twisted it around in his head more to the tune of I called the VP to get the customer's phone number. What?! No, if I wanted the guy's number, I could have looked it up on my work computer's database and not told my hubby anything about the guy asking me out. This is just one of many things he twisted.

After a while, I stopped talking about my day. The less I said, the less he could twist. Then of course he felt like I "must have been hiding something." No, I just got tired of his insinuations. I stopped talking to friends and eventually lost contact with all of them. I also stopped smiling at people so that I couldn't be accused of flirting.

All of this and I still didn't mind if he went out partying with his friends. He wouldn't get home until 5:00 am sometimes, but I always believed that he was faithful. He would always say, "Well, you were invited." I wouldn't have felt like a responsible parent if I had to find someone to watch my kid while I went out partying and clubbing. Besides, I've never really enjoyed those types of things. I was always more of a stay at home on the weekends kind of person. I've always been content with just doing family stuff. He, however, was always itching to be going somewhere.

And then there's his complaint that I don't look at him like I love him. It's hard to look at him like I adore him when I have so much resentment built up. I resent the fact that when our son was a baby, he hardly ever changed a diaper, never gave him a bath, didn't help with feedings and NEVER got up during the night with the baby. He also complained about my not cleaning the house enough, but never went out of his way to help. And when I did clean, he would immediately make a mess. Let's not forget that when I went back to college I was also working full time and taking care of our son who was around two at the time. Instead of helping me, he would rush me off of the computer and away from my school work so that he could do his online gaming (Everquest, Dark Ages of Camelot, etc.). Or he would hurry me up so that I could make dinner. Heaven forbid he go do it. But I didn't hold this against him when he went back to college. I helped him study, did all of his financial aid paperwork, ordered his books and did most of his homework. Why couldn't I look at him with those adoring, lovestruck eyes? For the life of me, I just can't figure it out.

Oh, and he informed me the other day that he NEEDS me to fill out his financial aid paperwork and register him for the upcoming quarter. Yeah, I'm going to stop everything for that request.

All of this has led me to the big questions: Am I ready to divorce him? Am I ready to move on?

I have no idea.

I have avoided posting for over a week since the tone would have been too depressing. My first weekend alone was nothing special. I actually stayed in my pajamas all day that Saturday - I know, it was bad.

I'm hoping that my husband will get a job working every other weekend so that he won't be able to get our son every weekend. Don't judge me, I work all week and the weekends are when my son and I get to relax and go at a slower pace.

Really, I'd love it if my husband found any job. He quit his job a month ago and for some reason I've been paying ALL the bills and still supporting him. Something is wrong with this picture! It didn't grate on my nerves so bad until I saw where he was repeatedly going to a nearby town which just happens to be where an ex-coworker of his lives. Probably still wouldn't have mattered except for the fact that they exchanged love letters by email. Yes, I stooped to the level of checking his email. He swears they're "just friends" since he doesn't know I saw the emails. No wonder he was always jealous and checking my cell phone... he was worried that I was doing whatever he was.

First Weekend Alone in a Decade!

Well for the first time in ten years, I have the weekend to myself since my son has gone to stay with his dad. Let's not start jumping to conclusions, his dad has been "too busy" every weekend for the past five weeks to come get him, but that's fine with me.

Several thoughts on how to spend the weekend came to mind:
1)My husband went out on the town already, so maybe I should (just to be out of the house-not to meet other people).
2) Go to the beach and relax without worrying that my son will be swept out to sea if he's more than ten feet away...yes, a slight bit of exaggeration included.
3) Blog, watch movies that don't include talking animals/cartoon characters and have absolutely no schedule.

Since #1 includes being subjected to double standards, I'll steer clear of that one.

Until I can be comfortable with my son being away for the weekend, I probably won't be taking any three hour trips to the beach.

So it looks like blogging, chick flicks and sleeping in this weekend!

Does Passion Have an Expiration Date?

One of my husband's major complaints before leaving (and even now) was that he knew I loved him, but didn't think I was "in love" with him because I wasn't falling all over him all the time. Hmmm. Could it have been because I was washing dishes, clothes, cooking dinner and taking care of our son all at the same time? Was it possible he forgot that I also worked a full time job before coming home to take on another load of work? Not likely.
I have observed that people tend to see what they want to see and whatever is important to you is usually only important to you. It takes a bit of work to step outside of your own circle of importance to try to see things from somebody else's perspective.
Looking back, I did let a lot of the "little things" get in the way. But that's life. We've been together for over 10 years and married for almost nine years. Does anybody still have passion after 10 years? Or is it natural for it to progress from steamy passion to a comfortable embrace at the end of a long day? I don't even have a desire for passion and I'm not even in my thirties yet. I enjoyed our cuddling on the couch towards the end of our marriage just as much as our wild nights during the first couple of years. But then, what do I know?

Ten Years Ago vs. Now

In high school I was editor of the yearbook, involved in numerous clubs and for a few years even, (gasp) a cheerleader. Needless to say, I would have been described as outgoing. I met my and became engaged to my husband during my senior year. Although I graduated with honors and could have gone to any college, love won out over education and the most important thing to me was being with him. So, a week after graduation I got a job, we got an apartment and I was the happiest girl in the world. He was my sun, moon and stars. All of my time and attention was devoted to him. One by one I lost touch with friends. There just didn't seem to be enough time for everything. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change it.
Somewhere along the way after having a child, a mortgage, and all the little things life throws in the way, I didn't have time for my husband to be the center of my universe anymore. A grown man can feed and dress himself - a small child can't. The small child will win the attention every time. More understanding on his part and more effort to pay attention to my hubby on my part probably would have helped, but I've got to say, I didn't see this coming.
Oh well, can't change it now. But I can try to reclaim my former self. I have made the choice to appreciate what I do have. I'm trying to pass that attitude on to my seven year old (that's going to be a work in progress for a long time). Instead of dwelling on the fact that my husband never finished fixing up the house before "abandoning ship," I'm appreciating the fact that I have a house. Instead of complaining that the driver's side window of my car doesn't work, I'm grateful that I have a car. Yes, I will spread my "look for the silver lining" outlook on life as long as I have large amounts of chocolate on hand.
Happiness is my choice...as long as hormones or a lack of chocolate don't interfere with that choice.

The Beginning of the End

For almost nine years, I was married to the love of my life. On July 6, 2009, that came to a screeching halt when he called to tell me he had packed his things and was moving out. I was visiting family with our seven year old son at the time. It was 7:30 in the morning - what a wake up call.
Denial was my immediate survival mode of choice since plans for the day had already been made and to cancel them would have been a disappointment to our son. After that, I went through a large range of emotions from disbelief to overwhelmed to completely lonely... all within the span of two minutes.
Afterwards, I found some helpful ebooks online about what to do after a breakup, which helped keep things in perspective. It was mostly the same stuff friends and family will tell you, but somehow I was more inclined to pay attention after spending $39.95. Funny how paying for advice from someone you've never met feels more "helpful" than free advice from people you've known your whole life. However, the expensive advice served its purpose. I was able function as a semi-normal person even when I wasn't having to pretend to be fine for my son.
Following the advice included the decision to put some effort into my appearance (which I had let fall by the wayside as some moms do). The other ladies at work even commented on my cute, new, "sexy" shoes - a major accomplishment for somebody whose been in voluntary "blend in/invisible" mode for the last 10 years.
My next coping mechanism was to go somewhere away from home and stress as much as possible. For me, it's the beach. Fortunately, I have family at a beach that is only three hours away. I rediscovered my love of boogie boarding and have been teaching my son the timing of catching waves (with the help of my cousin and her husband). Yes, a mom in a swimdress (it covers all cellulite) can still boogie board with the best of them. Maybe not as attractively as the best of them, but with just as much fun and enjoyment.